The Story of Mom
My mother is Cape Verdian.
Most people have never heard of the Cape Verdian Islands. Understandably so, they are wee specks on a map on the west coast of Africa.
Most people have never heard of the Cape Verdian Islands. Understandably so, they are wee specks on a map on the west coast of Africa.
Specifically, my mother comes from the island of Sao Vincente (or St. Vincent for the Portuguese impaired). Shown here:
To even get to that island one has to take a single-engine, puddle-jumper from the main island (Praia) to the island of choice.
The Cape Verdian Islands were uninhabited before the Portuguese colonized it in the 1400's which is why the national language is Portuguese. The islands gained independence in the 1980's and has remained an independent country.
The people that remain there are mixed breeds of Portuguese settlers and the African slaves who were scuttled through the islands. And the language is now a Portuguese-based crioulo/creole (unlike the French-based creole most are aware of)... I like to call it a sloppy Portuguese.
The country, from what I hear, is very beautiful and very poor.
Jess likes to joke that I'm half black because of the country's location... and, I guess, that's not wholly untrue.
Anyway -- so my mom moved from there to Brazil and then to the U.S. when she was about 18 years old. She met and married my father (who is from Lisbon, Portugal) and had me when she was 23, a year after she got married.
They got divorced when I was 2 because my father went back to his girlfriend that had moved away then moved back and left me and my mother in the dust. She once told me that during that time in her life she at one point contemplated killing herself but heard me crying in the next room and decided against it.
From that point on it was just me and my mom.
She didn't date. Except for this one "uncle" of mine (who technically is not my uncle b/c his mom is a "step" in the family).
My mom was very, very strict. I couldn't sleep over people's houses because "I had my own bed at home." I couldn't go to parties because there were "boys and drugs there". I couldn't couldn't go to school dances for the same reason. I couldn't leave my own yard 99.9% of the time.
Neither was my mother a very affectionate woman. I honestly have zero recollection of her telling me that she loved me or hugging me or any sign that she liked me at all through my entire childhood.
What I do remember was her saying things like, "I should've never named you Tina, there's never been a good Tina" (I'm named after my grandmother who died 2 years before I was born). I also look a lot like my father, which definitely did not help my case any.
My mother went from being a Catholic to being a Mormon when I was 8 years old. I too, was baptized Mormon.
Sometime around when I was 13, she re-married.
Shortly after that, I started my rebellion. I started taking my own freedom back. To get to do anything, I started running away from home and coming back when I was done doing whatever it was I wanted to do.
My relationship with my mother went from nil to non-existent.
I got put in a group home. I knew I was pregnant with Kristie at that point but was in total denial.
When I came back I told my mother I was pregnant and I went from problem child to black sheep.
So I had Kristie and 10 months later moved to Connecticut to live with my grandparents.
My mother was 39 years old and decided she was too young to be a grandmother and refused to let Kristie call her that.
To this day the kids don't call her anything. They both wait til she is looking at them before they speak directly to her. When they talk to me about her they call her "your mom".
When Kristie was about 10 and Jeremie was 6 I dropped them off at her house and called my girlfriend at the time and told her I was on my way home.
Apparently after I left my mother started grilling Kristie about who K was to me and that I was acting like she was my husband.
I was livid.
How dare she question my kids.
So I called her and told her exactly what I was: a lesbian.
Black sheep meet leper.
After that I went to visit her to talk about it and she proceeded to insinuate that I was now a child molestor. She'll deny it now that she ever said that, but that I will never forget.
Through the years our relationship has remained strained and awkward.
Whenever I was around her she would take every opportunity to bring up my past wrongs. When I went to her house I was see pictures of my sisters everywhere and not a one of me.
My younger half-sisters would ask me questions about all these antics I pulled when I was a kid and remind me that my mother saw no good in me.
My sister and I had a long talk not too long ago and she was telling me that mom wants to try to salvage our relationship but doesn't know where to start. I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I think I want to let the past go now and move on from here.
Thing is, I will not be able to if she refuses to acknowledge and respect who I am. Even if it is against her own belief system. I just can't. I'm so not in the closet and I refuse to let my mother put me back in there.
I still haven't told my mother that Jess and I got married on New Year's. That's the next step. I'm supposed to be having dinner with her next weekend.. and that's when I plan on telling her.
I don't expect any kind of happy reaction.
But it has to be done.
Wish me luck.
The Cape Verdian Islands were uninhabited before the Portuguese colonized it in the 1400's which is why the national language is Portuguese. The islands gained independence in the 1980's and has remained an independent country.
The people that remain there are mixed breeds of Portuguese settlers and the African slaves who were scuttled through the islands. And the language is now a Portuguese-based crioulo/creole (unlike the French-based creole most are aware of)... I like to call it a sloppy Portuguese.
The country, from what I hear, is very beautiful and very poor.
Jess likes to joke that I'm half black because of the country's location... and, I guess, that's not wholly untrue.
Anyway -- so my mom moved from there to Brazil and then to the U.S. when she was about 18 years old. She met and married my father (who is from Lisbon, Portugal) and had me when she was 23, a year after she got married.
They got divorced when I was 2 because my father went back to his girlfriend that had moved away then moved back and left me and my mother in the dust. She once told me that during that time in her life she at one point contemplated killing herself but heard me crying in the next room and decided against it.
From that point on it was just me and my mom.
She didn't date. Except for this one "uncle" of mine (who technically is not my uncle b/c his mom is a "step" in the family).
My mom was very, very strict. I couldn't sleep over people's houses because "I had my own bed at home." I couldn't go to parties because there were "boys and drugs there". I couldn't couldn't go to school dances for the same reason. I couldn't leave my own yard 99.9% of the time.
Neither was my mother a very affectionate woman. I honestly have zero recollection of her telling me that she loved me or hugging me or any sign that she liked me at all through my entire childhood.
What I do remember was her saying things like, "I should've never named you Tina, there's never been a good Tina" (I'm named after my grandmother who died 2 years before I was born). I also look a lot like my father, which definitely did not help my case any.
My mother went from being a Catholic to being a Mormon when I was 8 years old. I too, was baptized Mormon.
Sometime around when I was 13, she re-married.
Shortly after that, I started my rebellion. I started taking my own freedom back. To get to do anything, I started running away from home and coming back when I was done doing whatever it was I wanted to do.
My relationship with my mother went from nil to non-existent.
I got put in a group home. I knew I was pregnant with Kristie at that point but was in total denial.
When I came back I told my mother I was pregnant and I went from problem child to black sheep.
So I had Kristie and 10 months later moved to Connecticut to live with my grandparents.
My mother was 39 years old and decided she was too young to be a grandmother and refused to let Kristie call her that.
To this day the kids don't call her anything. They both wait til she is looking at them before they speak directly to her. When they talk to me about her they call her "your mom".
When Kristie was about 10 and Jeremie was 6 I dropped them off at her house and called my girlfriend at the time and told her I was on my way home.
Apparently after I left my mother started grilling Kristie about who K was to me and that I was acting like she was my husband.
I was livid.
How dare she question my kids.
So I called her and told her exactly what I was: a lesbian.
Black sheep meet leper.
After that I went to visit her to talk about it and she proceeded to insinuate that I was now a child molestor. She'll deny it now that she ever said that, but that I will never forget.
Through the years our relationship has remained strained and awkward.
Whenever I was around her she would take every opportunity to bring up my past wrongs. When I went to her house I was see pictures of my sisters everywhere and not a one of me.
My younger half-sisters would ask me questions about all these antics I pulled when I was a kid and remind me that my mother saw no good in me.
My sister and I had a long talk not too long ago and she was telling me that mom wants to try to salvage our relationship but doesn't know where to start. I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I think I want to let the past go now and move on from here.
Thing is, I will not be able to if she refuses to acknowledge and respect who I am. Even if it is against her own belief system. I just can't. I'm so not in the closet and I refuse to let my mother put me back in there.
I still haven't told my mother that Jess and I got married on New Year's. That's the next step. I'm supposed to be having dinner with her next weekend.. and that's when I plan on telling her.
I don't expect any kind of happy reaction.
But it has to be done.
Wish me luck.
Good Luck!
I'll be thinking of ya. It's gonna be hard, and I'd like to offer you some advice, k?
Preface everything with you're gonna say with some kind of expression that will get across that you are well aware of how very different people you both are and that you hope that despite the differences, you hope that she will see that you are happy and after all, isn't that really all that matters? And you hope the same for her and her life choices. And that you are very willing to let the past stay the past and hope that this meeting will be the beginning of a new relationship for the 2 of you to create and build upon.
When you give credence to the other persons' feelings and invite them to share them, as well as let them off the hook for any past behavior, good things will be allowed to happen.
And at the very least, if things still go badly, you'll know that you did try to be the bigger person and did all you could do.
It sounds like she does want to have a relationship with you but isn't sure you'll let her have it, if she doesn't completely embrace your life. She really doesn't have to condone being gay, but to see that you're more than just a gay woman and to get to know the rest of you. And then perhaps she'll be able to see that it's not ALL bad.
I'll step down now... thanks for the mic! :)
You'll be fine no matter what... i have faith in that!
Hey baby..
I agree with Val 100%. There's more to ya than the fact that you are a lesbian.
I'm nervous right along with ya. I don't excpect her to do cartwheels in celebration of our marriage.
I went through this with my Dad a month and a half ago. Very similar situation, and though he wasn't happy, his response to it was something I can deal with. He accepted it, and said he stil loves me.
Their beliefs are just that, their beliefs. We can't change them, though sometimes, I know we'd like to.
All we can ask for is acceptance, with hope that in time by getting to know us, they will become more tolerant and understanding of our beliefs.
You know I'm with ya.
MUAH!
OoOoOh pooer TiVo..
That was very informative. I know how you feel. And I wish I could be there for you. I know Jess is doing a good job of that. :) I can really relate. I really hope that "ma" can look past it, and see that you are her daughter, and accept you for who you are.
:::: sigh :::: ::sniff, sniff::
Oh Tina, I'm so sorry you went through that. I totally agree wtih what Val said, and would just like to add that you might want to look at some of the PFLAG resources before talking w/her. Will say a little prayer that all goes well for you.
Unfortunately we can not pick and choose our parents and families. Val shows great wisdom in her words. Don't go expecting miracles. Good luck!